@OakHill_
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
@theshantilly
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
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@OakHill_
@tyrannees
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
@TheRealD_Martin
Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.
@TheToddWilliams
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
@iGreenGod
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
@mejustbeth
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
@DanteEvilCat
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
@LuvPug
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
@Mom_Overboard
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
@glenc217
Okay, autocorrect, I get it.
Every time I start to type “unattached”, you suggest “unattractive”.
Message received.