My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

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Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.


Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.


Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.


ME: Sure is beautiful here
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try


How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?


Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.


That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”


To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!


So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet


Okay, autocorrect, I get it.

Every time I start to type “unattached”, you suggest “unattractive”.

Message received.