My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
So true for me
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.