@theshantilly

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

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@OakHill_

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

@tyrannees

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

@TheRealD_Martin

Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.

@TheToddWilliams

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

@iGreenGod

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

@mejustbeth

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

@LuvPug

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@glenc217

Okay, autocorrect, I get it.

Every time I start to type “unattached”, you suggest “unattractive”.

Message received.