My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Cashiers are always checking me out
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Discuss
HELP 😭
