Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

me logging onto twitter

You got this…

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.