My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
(Gaming support cat.)
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.