Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

🐶😂

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]