Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.