My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
You Might Also Like
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?