My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
You Might Also Like
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.