My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites