My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.