My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”