My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.