Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?