Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”