Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

All. The. Damn. Time.