Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

“What?”
– Jude

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig