My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
the official breakfast of 2021
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Brilliant!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.