My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.