My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
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No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves