My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.