My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
If snakes were wide
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.