My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
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Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding