My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one