Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*