My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
