Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.