My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
And that about sums it up.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Yeah. This was me today.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
