My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.![]()
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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