My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
do what now??
