Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Reporter: *ports again*

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you