Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”