Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then