My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
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“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”