My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*