My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

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Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.


Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont


“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes


Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?


Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”


Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.


[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt


Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.