“You had all of thanksgiving to do your homework…”
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Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”
Silence is golden…
But duct tape is silver.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.