My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
when there are deer in the woods
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me buying fruit and veg
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.