Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates