My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?