My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?