My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
me linking you to my twitter
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.