My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
