my dog when i have a friend over
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Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
neighborhood watch
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
happy mother’s day❤️
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.