my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.