my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Like sleeping!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.