My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister