my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.