my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
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2022: I can fix it
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Happy thanksgiving
