My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
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Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
this has done me in for some reason
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.