My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I’m awake but I object,
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped