My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered