My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
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Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns