My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.