Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers