@ItsSamG

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

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@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

@DadBroDad1

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

@PanicRestroom

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

@TheAndrewNadeau

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

@lovemyboots111

Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!

@Carmel_Coleman

Your car won’t start? Have you tried getting out of it and then getting back into it again? That usually works for my computer.

@MooseAllain

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors