My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!


My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch


Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.


*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*


DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”


ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.


Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!


Your car won’t start? Have you tried getting out of it and then getting back into it again? That usually works for my computer.


In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.


Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!


If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors