Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

im gay on my mothers side

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.