My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Best spot.. 😅
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week