My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I put the p in pants.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house