My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
