My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
