My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
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me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total