Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

This is the one

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.