My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
181.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.