My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
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Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front