Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

New favorite tiktok

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

ㅤ

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.