Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Mmmm. Shoeshi

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

those birds must be on payroll

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.