My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

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Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move


I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.


Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.


Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation


karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple


my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.



My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.