Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
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I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.