My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.