Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks