Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Fluff me with a fork baby

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”