My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me as a therapist: omg same
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.