@SadieSkyNinja

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

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@owlcity

If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

@RLRudge

This is best piece of Superman art I’ve seen in a long time, made by Brakken

@Aitch_Jay_Bee

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

@SkippyMcGizzard

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

@RandomManik

If I were a millionaire, I’d probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, ‘Salt’ & ‘Pepper’.