My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.