Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.